Recovering from the 3 "D"s....
Dog's death, Divorce and Dad's death. All in a row, all very close.
I've been to more social events lately than in ages. Some purely social, some with people wanting to offer condolensces and see how my Mom and I are doing. There are some very good and caring people in this world. When I'm at any function, like last night at a Christmas party, people ask, "how are you doing". Usually they mean, in specific, my Dad's passing but many mean the whole triad of sadness in their "how are you doing"?
I tell them I'm OK, at peace, with the passing of the Big Gold Dog and my Dad. Some give me that look like, "are you sure, do your words match your heart"? They do. Though my heart is sad and lonely without the two souls I loved so much, I couldn't have asked God for a better plan in their passing. And two words, two thoughts drummed into me at AA over the years paid big dividends. Those are acceptance and gratitude.
D: The failing health and death of my dog and my Dad had similar paths. I found out that Tres had a serious tumor around the 1st of July; I knew that he was old and that the tumor would probably speed his departure. I therefore had time to prepare for and accept his coming death and to spend as much time as I could with him, helping him do the things he loved and could still do. Like making a painful journey out to the front yard each day to lay in the sun, smell the scents dogs smell and to hear life passing by, for by this time he was functionally deaf and blind also. For those days when I saw him sunning himself at his home I am eternally grateful and will remember him that way. He was able to do this just days before he died. I'm grateful that he knew he was loved until the end and I'm grateful that he passed away, naturally, right outside my bedroom door, and that at 6 a.m. he woke me from a sound sleep to let me know his soul was passing on.
D: Likewise with my Dad. His health had been failing for years and my Mom and I accepted the fact that at 81, 82, or 83 he did not have long to go. As we watched him get more frail and unable to do more and more things I accepted that the time would come soon. I'm grateful that I was able to be here, close and sober to help out all I could. For the last year and a half we had eaten at Johnny's Barbeque each and every Thursday. My Dad was grateful for that one little bit of adventure, seeing old friends and sometimes just remembering his life with me. When he could no longer bear to walk and sit at the restaurant, he would drive with me and sit in the car. He was grateful for that too. Then when he could no longer even ride in the car, I picked up lunch for him at home. Grateful as ever when I told him everyone at Johnny's had asked about him. His spirit remained positive until the end, gratitude coming in smaller packages. You should have seen the smile on his face when I brought his daily ration of Hersheys Bars and he then whispered in my ear, "be sure to bring more tomorrow". He lived the last week on chocolate and Blue Bell ice cream.
I'm grateful that even almost until the end he had been able to walk a little around the house, that he still had most of his memory, knew we loved him and that we all were ready for his passing. He told me he was ready to go. And most of all I'm grateful to God that he put me in my Dad's room as he started to slip away, the only family member present. I think they, my Dad and God, planned it that way. My Dad and I had a special bond in our family. I had dreaded the thought of being in the room when he died, but now I'm eternally grateful and would not have had it any other way. It has given me a special sense of peace.
D: I wish I had as much peace about the divorce. Honestly there has not been a night gone by since June 1st that I have gone to sleep without some degree of emotional turmoil about that subject. Frankly it's a mixture of anger, disappointment and a large degree of sadness. I have wondered why, when I can find so much acceptance and gratitude about two deaths, can't I arrive at the same outcome with the divorce. I cannot, at present, find much to be grateful for. But like a soup pot on the stove, my thoughts have gone from simmering to boiling over and the broth has distilled down to the essecence that at least, in my mind, I can start to accept.
And once again thank you to all who have cared so much, sent cards, emails, phoned and who have improved my social life. There are too many to name but you know who you are....and so do I. Thanks.
Dog's death, Divorce and Dad's death. All in a row, all very close.
I've been to more social events lately than in ages. Some purely social, some with people wanting to offer condolensces and see how my Mom and I are doing. There are some very good and caring people in this world. When I'm at any function, like last night at a Christmas party, people ask, "how are you doing". Usually they mean, in specific, my Dad's passing but many mean the whole triad of sadness in their "how are you doing"?
I tell them I'm OK, at peace, with the passing of the Big Gold Dog and my Dad. Some give me that look like, "are you sure, do your words match your heart"? They do. Though my heart is sad and lonely without the two souls I loved so much, I couldn't have asked God for a better plan in their passing. And two words, two thoughts drummed into me at AA over the years paid big dividends. Those are acceptance and gratitude.
D: The failing health and death of my dog and my Dad had similar paths. I found out that Tres had a serious tumor around the 1st of July; I knew that he was old and that the tumor would probably speed his departure. I therefore had time to prepare for and accept his coming death and to spend as much time as I could with him, helping him do the things he loved and could still do. Like making a painful journey out to the front yard each day to lay in the sun, smell the scents dogs smell and to hear life passing by, for by this time he was functionally deaf and blind also. For those days when I saw him sunning himself at his home I am eternally grateful and will remember him that way. He was able to do this just days before he died. I'm grateful that he knew he was loved until the end and I'm grateful that he passed away, naturally, right outside my bedroom door, and that at 6 a.m. he woke me from a sound sleep to let me know his soul was passing on.
D: Likewise with my Dad. His health had been failing for years and my Mom and I accepted the fact that at 81, 82, or 83 he did not have long to go. As we watched him get more frail and unable to do more and more things I accepted that the time would come soon. I'm grateful that I was able to be here, close and sober to help out all I could. For the last year and a half we had eaten at Johnny's Barbeque each and every Thursday. My Dad was grateful for that one little bit of adventure, seeing old friends and sometimes just remembering his life with me. When he could no longer bear to walk and sit at the restaurant, he would drive with me and sit in the car. He was grateful for that too. Then when he could no longer even ride in the car, I picked up lunch for him at home. Grateful as ever when I told him everyone at Johnny's had asked about him. His spirit remained positive until the end, gratitude coming in smaller packages. You should have seen the smile on his face when I brought his daily ration of Hersheys Bars and he then whispered in my ear, "be sure to bring more tomorrow". He lived the last week on chocolate and Blue Bell ice cream.
I'm grateful that even almost until the end he had been able to walk a little around the house, that he still had most of his memory, knew we loved him and that we all were ready for his passing. He told me he was ready to go. And most of all I'm grateful to God that he put me in my Dad's room as he started to slip away, the only family member present. I think they, my Dad and God, planned it that way. My Dad and I had a special bond in our family. I had dreaded the thought of being in the room when he died, but now I'm eternally grateful and would not have had it any other way. It has given me a special sense of peace.
D: I wish I had as much peace about the divorce. Honestly there has not been a night gone by since June 1st that I have gone to sleep without some degree of emotional turmoil about that subject. Frankly it's a mixture of anger, disappointment and a large degree of sadness. I have wondered why, when I can find so much acceptance and gratitude about two deaths, can't I arrive at the same outcome with the divorce. I cannot, at present, find much to be grateful for. But like a soup pot on the stove, my thoughts have gone from simmering to boiling over and the broth has distilled down to the essecence that at least, in my mind, I can start to accept.
And once again thank you to all who have cared so much, sent cards, emails, phoned and who have improved my social life. There are too many to name but you know who you are....and so do I. Thanks.
